You are living with a bad stepchild, and it’s been hell with you. You wonder when to leave because of stepchild? how to disengage completely? Yet no best answer hits your memory.
On seeking professional family advice, you always get told to stay and make it work with your partner by your side, but you keep trying, and nothing ever works. Likely, your spouse supports the child to disrespect you.
You would ask yourself, “for how long can I stick my ass trying to make a bad stepchild understand that we are now family and should act as one”?
Well, the simple answer to your question is: “for as long as you can withhold your temper.” Life is so precious (an invaluable gift given to humanity), so you should never dare go beyond boundaries trying to do something silly because of a bad stepchild.
Most times, before you had got yourself bonded with your partner and during the marriage plans, you must have been told that the stepchild wouldn’t be a pain in the ass after marriage. But here, the reverse now the case. When everything keeps getting worse and at the extreme, always remember that divorce can also be an option too? Your mental health matters a lot!
Dealing with toxic stepchildren may be life-threatening; however, keep reading this piece as we walk you through a proven solution that may help you in keeping your home and making your stepchildren see you as their step-parent – getting the family bonded is the goal, nonetheless, where it never worked out, there are options to choose when to leave and cut off the tiles.
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Table of Contents
Overview
Seen questions like “when to leave because of stepchild” is now a big flag in the online space as it has grown monthly searches over 2,500plus in volume in different forums and even on several search engines. It keeps growing in numbers. Why?
Research has it that most nations, especially the western nations, have evolved into a country where the majority of families are now divorced. While some are divorced with children, some have no child at all. Most remarry or create cohabiting relationships, leaving their partner into living with a “hard to deal stepchild.”
In the old, families celebrate biologically bound cohabitation, comprising the mother, father, and child(ren). But now, things have changed, and homes with stepchild(ren) are now outranking in their numbers. This is due to the high increase in divorce letters in recent times.
You may never stop asking yourself, “how to deal with a bad stepchild?” or “how to deal with toxic stepchildren,” because you know that you are already doing your best to make the family better. But know it today that “maybe your best is yet not enough, maybe not!”
In a case whereby you found yourself married to a partner with a stepchild already, you have to do your best to join the family as one if the stepchild keeps proving so difficult and never ready to see you as a step-parent or maybe your partner supports your stepchild to disrespect you – then It’s no bad at all to start asking yourself when to leave because of stepchild.
Here are statistics that the U.S. Bureau of Census kept in record according to Stepfamily foundation 1:
- The average marriage in America, according to statistics, lasts only for seven years.
- 1300 new stepfamilies are forming every day.
- 1 out of 2 marriages in the U.S. ends in divorce.
- 75% re-marry
- About 50% of total U.S. families are remarried or re-coupled.
- According to Boston University psychologist, most career women who earn over 100,000 dollars annually had reported thus, “if they had done it again, they would NOT marry a man with children.” These women had married men, with 75% of men with children.
- 66% of partners living together or remarried break up when a stepchild(ren) is involved.
So, you see, you are just not alone. One of the most difficult tasks about marrying or remarrying a partner with a stepchild is the mental pain you have to deal with because of your stepchild. When they are even more than one, things may get worst. Living with children who don’t see you as a step-parent and always feeling like you took their spot can be disheartening. But in all, you have to do your very best to keep the family as one; else, you have to leave if the stepchild(ren) is not playing along to help family matters get better.
6 Signs That Tells You When to Leave Because Of Stepchild
We should have made this our last topic for this article. Still, per se, this is why you are here, so we have chickened to your demand and will highlight six (6) unbearable signs from stepchildren that should alert you of a looming threat to your peace and grant you some wisdom on when to Disengage or leave an unhealthy family cohabitation.
When your stepchild is causing chaos in the entire home
Many stepchildren are so bad that their best trick is always finding a way to cause chaos at home. They could lie a lot to make everyone look stupid and cause disagreement.
Most times, their action may lead to your children fighting with them or even cause some physical abuse of privacy. In this case, you should always find a perfect ground; else, if nothing works, consider when to leave because of stepchild. But not to forget, if you already have some kids with your current husband, then you need to sort their opinion while you ponder on your next actions.
Some stepchildren always have to act in ways that aren’t very nice to their parents, even more so to you as their step-parent. This is often the case in blended families with aged stepchildren.
As soon as a child is old enough, they feel like taking control – some might want to run away from home. Even with their biological parents, they can be resistant and might want to leave at times. They might be more resistant to family life in general. This makes it hard for step-parents to build good relationships with their stepchildren.
Keeping the home all tensed up and filled with disagreement here and there is all you witness by each passing day. You get afraid that the only place you feel safe is in your bedroom. Step-children can really push their step-parents over the edge into madness.
Most stepchildren no longer know the difference between right and wrong. They are hurt inside and never understand what it means to harm another person.
The problems might not go away even though you’ve tried to solve them from where you are. As a step-parent, you might not be able to deal with them, neither would a therapist do – but you all got to try your luck. If nothing works, it is about time to think about when to leave because of your bad stepchild
When your stepchild is deliberately hurting your kids
There is no denying that siblings fight, quarrel, and occasionally keep malice between others. Even biological children naturally hate one another in some families – it could be genetic hereditary. But in all, when siblings quarrel, it doesn’t take away that family love in them. They may be keeping malice yet would never stand to see the other hurt.
But when this has to do with a blended family, in most cases, your kids are way too younger than your stepchild, so they can’t stand your stepchild in a fight.
When an elder stepchild beats your kids with love, maybe to correct them on some acts, then it’s no fault at all. But when they deliberately hurt your kids just because he sees them as intruders with you trying to occupy their home – he doesn’t see them as half-brothers or sisters either. He would rather want to see them slump dead than live in the same house with them; then, it is a strong signal that your kids’ life is in danger and should better be protected. When to leave because of stepchild becomes the order of the day.
First, talk with your husband about it and discuss this with your kids. You can all have a joint family discussion to get things right and if the flames keep blazing hotter, consider giving your step child some space with your kids for a while. Leaving because of your stepchild is no crime when you are saving your happiness and that of your kids, especially when the hit has become life-threatening.
When your stepchild’s attitudes keep hammering on your self-esteem
Whenever you start losing your self-values in marriage, it’s a high signal that something is wrong; maybe the problem is coming from your stepchild, spouse, or both. You started feeling that you weren’t loved as much as you deserved.
At some point, you might start considering suicide as the only option to regaining everlasting happiness; this is the height of it all. You need to recover your sanity at once by talking with your family therapist on when to leave because of stepchild or what to do to regain your self-esteem back. Suicide is never an end to sorrow – happiness only comes to those who are breathing. So, you deserve to be happy always while you live; if it’s not forthcoming, call it a quit and focus back on building yourself outside the blended family.
When you start nurturing the idea of taking the life of your stepchild
If you have never thought like this, don’t assume it never happens. I have seen families whose stepmother poisoned the food of her stepchildren so that she could have all the home for herself and her yet unborn babies. Imagine that gut – But don’t be surprised as we truly do have evil stepmothers just the same way bad stepchildren exist.
Attempting to take someone’s life is a serious offense against humanity and that of a country’s governing law. Taking someone else’s life tantamounts to sending yourself to life imprisonment. What would you gain to take a life, even if you feel that such person doesn’t deserve to live, remember you will rot in jail if you do – Don’t take the laws to your hand.
Your stepchild can be a pain in your ass, getting you angry on sight, always wanting to make your opinions clawless in the family, and seriously taking your authority as a mother. In this case, the stepchild has gone beyond your bounds, and you feel that you can’t take it any longer; instead of thinking about taking their life, consider leaving home for them. There is dignity in labor, don’t let your bounds cause you everlasting pain.
The pain you may have to deal with for taking a life is worst to compare the traumas you passed through living with a stepchild under one roof. Always consider when to leave because of stepchild when it becomes life-threatening, whether the threat is coming to you, your stepchild, or even your kids.
When your stepchild is turning your husband against you
This is often the point where you get to lose it – the hope! Imagine seeing your partner breaking all their marital vows on you just because they want to stand with their child.
Standing with the child is not really your problem; rather, they (your partner) turning against you for the lies your stepchild made them consume without a double taught.
You try to recall how your partner promised you safety and that they will make sure that if you accept to marry them, they would also make their above 13 years old child love you as the stepparent. But now, everything has reversed and left you hopeless. Since your partner and stepchild have bonded against you, who would you run to? Well, you could still do a thing: talking to your husband about all events and, if possible, consulting with a therapist to find a lasting solution. If all trial still proves abortive, then when to leave because of a stepchild should be necessitated.
When a stepchild is always plotting a coup with the Biological mother against you
Some divorcee is never happy apart. Most times, events lead to the divorce, and the wife may never be completely happy. She tries everything necessary to frustrate any woman who takes her place. She uses her children as a ploy and keeps plotting a coup against you, the new wife, and the ex-husband. Not until you have gone away from her ex-husband will she never know peace.
Having found yourself in a blended family with toxic stepchildren, it’s always good to know all that has been in the past before you. You should, first of all, make friends with your stepchildren and be able to identify who may not like you, know how they feel about their divorced parents, what they need to be happy with, and get some facts directly from your husband. This will enable you to maintain a healthy relationship with your stepchildren. Whenever a coup against you is being plotted, maybe by the ex-wife through any of your stepchildren, you would easily get to know.
When the heat keeps getting intense, prioritize when to leave as your stepchild keeps proving unyielding and plotting different nature of coup against your life.
Why do we have bad stepchildren
Although we have bad children in general, most stepchildren are not naturally bad, life happens, and things change – they revolve along. Most children often never get over the effects of parental divorce; they find it difficult to move ahead without their parents together and, to worsen the matter, trying to get along with a step-parent.
The rage is more with the “stepmother to stepchildren” family relationship. On minor occasions, we have seen stepchildren making unending troubles with their stepfather, maybe because children bond with their mother more than they do with their fathers.
According to the research carried out by Judith S. Wallerstein on the effects of divorce on children and to parents 2, she performed a 25-Year Landmark Study, which followed ninety-three (93) now-adult children for about 25 years on the effects from their parent’s divorce. Here are a few of her highlights from the landmark records:
- Only forty-five (45) percent of children of divorcee “do well” after divorce.
- 41 percent of these children are often angry at the slightest provocation, worried, deprecating, and underachieving. This shows you how broken and mentally drained these children become. The healing process may take longer for many.
- Divorced parents often provide less attention, less discipline, and are less focused on the life of their children as they are caught up in the effect of divorce and its aftermath.
- Many parents can’t figure out how to separate their own needs from their children’s needs. They often share too much of their personal life with their kids, which puts the kids in a precarious emotional state and makes them more susceptible to grandiosity or depression in what is left of their families after divorce.
- Due to lack of continual parental care from their biological parents, these children keep facing continual disruption of their emotional growth and functioning, leaving them with little to no love to share with the future family they meet.
- Few children of divorce tend to do well only if their biological parents put aside their differences even as they have remarried and resumed parental roles while teaching them how to build a new healthy relationship with step-parents.
P.S: Judith S. Wallerstein is a renowned practicing psychologist and the author of the following books:
- “Surviving The Breakup: How Children And Parents Cope With Divorce,” with Joan B. Kelly,
- “What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce,” with Sandra Blakeslee
- “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” with Sandra Blakeslee
- “Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children, A Decade After Divorce,” with Sandra Blakeslee
- “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study,” with Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee
As a practicing psychologist with years of experience, Judith S. Wallerstein’s opinion on marriage, divorce, life before and after divorce would help you decide your marriage and know when to leave a marriage because of your stepchild or because of your husband. We highly recommend that you check her books on Amazon kindle.
On supporting notion for Judith S. Wallerstein, Elizabeth Marquardt, a renowned scholar with the Institute for American Values and the author of the book “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce,3” added that there is nothing like “good divorce.” She highlighted that children face many unimaginable challenges when they have to grow in a divided family.
Elizabeth Marquardt being a child of divorce, had to conduct a study with Professor Norval Glenn. They surveyed over 1,500 young adults from both divorced and intact families between 2001 and 2003, and this brought about her book, “Between Two Worlds,” where she had to put all her findings in the full report with the most powerful and unsentimental stories of the childhoods of young youths from divorced families plus her life stories.
She has Judith Wallerstein’s support, who shares the same view with her in all her books. Wallerstein found that many adult children had never been able to get over the “cataclysmic” changes that divorce can make in a child’s life. Parents may see divorce as a second chance at happiness, but a child doesn’t see it that way. So, this could leave them broken for ages, and not even a step-parent can fix it.
We also recommend reading “Between Two Worlds” by Elizabeth Marquardt.” This will give you more in-depth knowledge as to why your stepchild is so unyielding and “maybe” help you with better scope to making the bad stepchild become your favorite.
Distancing yourself from stepchildren
Thinking of “distancing yourself from stepchildren?”
This famous quote from anonymous says, “If it is costing you your peace, then know that it’s too expensive.” Anything too expensive for you always has to be given a second thought. Before you start nurturing the thoughts on when to leave because of your stepchild, it is often better that you try distancing yourself from stepchildren to know if everything gets better as you want it; otherwise, you can call it a quit.
Disengaging yourself from a blended family is a two-part process. You won’t have to wake up and disengage yourself completely from your family in a swift over the morning. It may cause you more pain than you were facing trying to bond with the family. But when you take the proper process, you should be happy you did and possibly bring back your lost authority on your stepchildren.
To disengage, you need to self-reflect; ask yourself the new role you want to assume in the house, tasks, and conversion you need to prioritize as you seek the peace of mind. After you have reached a conclusion on your new role, task, and attitudes you would love to assume, discussing this over bedroom talk with your spouse would be a second act you should embrace. Remember, you are doing this to rebuild a stronger bond with your stepchildren, so you need to carry your partner along.
You have to know that your partner might not fully support you distancing yourself from the stepchildren, but you are in a good position to make them see reasons with you and why the struggle is to bring overhaul peace to the entire home.
Intimate communication with your partner is highly critical in this case if you truly want their approval. Assure them that this is not an attack on them or their children, nor is it a strike to run away from parenting responsibilities. Let your partner know that distancing yourself from stepchildren enables you to perform better to help bring the family to bond as one.
After sharing this intimate discussion with your spouse, give them some time to go over it and return to you with positive words that assure you of their support. This will make stuff easier for you.
Contemplating divorce due to stepchild
Considering when to leave because of stepchild or contemplating divorce is practically normal if the heat at home keeps getting more intense than you could bear. You need your sanity, and your mental health should be prioritized.
Let us bring you a short story shared by one of the members of the Babycenter community where she narrated her ordeal within her branded family and sought members’ opinions as she is contemplating divorce due to stepchild. 4
Here is her story:
I was referred here. Yes, this is a brand spanking new account, but, I promise, this is not a troll account or looking to start heated problems. I’m really at my last resort here.
I don’t want to give away too much info.
But, I’ve been with my husband for 8+ years now, and married for 5.We have a child together and he has a child from his previous marriage and I have children from before as well. This step child is very manipulative, always starting problems with the two households, all for the sake of the attention. Well, that’s how I see it anyway. I get the bulk of the blame when this child is playing the “pity me role”.
My husband and I have a very good marriage, very good. We really are happy together and are a great team. But, I can’t deal with his child anymore. The straw has broken the camels back and I can’t be around this child after all that has been done. This weekend was a very huge wake up call for me. For 8 years I’ve tried. I loved this child like my own. I’ve given this child everything I have in me to be what said child needs and deserves. I’ve put my blood, my sweat and my tears for the sake of this child. But, after this weekend, I don’t think we will come back from this. I don’t want to come back from this. Even my family is telling me to walk away from said child. This child not only made up lies about me, but my family as well as in my sisters, my brother, my mother, my niece and nephew. This is beyond repair. I still don’t know the entire story of everything that was said. I do know, that when this child came home on Sunday, the mom, the sister, the grandma and the aunt were at my house, on my streetwearing homemade shirts that said “TEAM child’s name_” in some sort of “demonstration”, for lack of better word. They are actually selling them amongst their family members to raise money for a lawyer to seek sole custody. I’ve been crying off and on since Sunday, just by knowing only some of the things that were said. But, nobody would say everything because they were afraid that this child was going to basically be beaten for days and withheld of food and water, for “telling these secrets” of ours.
I’m broken on the inside. My heart is broken. And said child feels no remorse what so ever. My husband has agreed, outside of the court order, that if the mom and child want every weekend and holiday and school break, it’s granted. This isn’t only about me, but most of the lies and allegations were made against me. The only thing about my husband is that he supposedly allows the mistreatment, abuse and neglect of this child by my hands and by my family’s hands.
My husband is just as broken, but he feels more sympathetic toward me than anything. He feels some guilt, because he feels that he has to take responsibility for what his child is doing and has done.
I can’t live in a house like this. I can’t bare to even look upon that child’s face. I dreaded the drive home, yesterday. My stomach was flipping and flopping to the point where I almost had to pull over and throw up because I was so anxious about being around this child. It’s no way to live.
My husband does not want to break up our family. He does not want me to leave. He does not want our daughter to grow up with two seperate homes especially if our marriage isn’t the problem here. He doesn’t want my other children to lose their only father. But, for me and my own strength and diginity and my own sanity. I don’t know if I can continue on like this. Maybe I need more time to heal. But, I don’t see us ever coming back from this.
The mom is a deadbeat mom. She comes around once or twice in a two year span, something like that. This child is a not little kid anymore. This child is a teenager. This child knows right from wrong and knows better. But, to still do something so heinous and hurtful for what? I still dont’ know.
I know that some people live in a home where the step mom pays no mind to the step child and they are pretty much nonexistant to eachother. How well does that work out? The thing is, this child lives with us but swears at 17 the plan is to drop out of high school, get a ged and move out. That’s a few more years away and as much as I hate the thought of this child dropping out of school, I won’t stress or think about it. I’m done stressing for this child, I’m done loving this child and I’m done caring. As bad as that sounds, I’ve been pushed over the edge and this is the last and final time I allow this child to do this.
I love my husband and the other children in the marriage (that I brought in) would be devestated to lose the only father they have.
But, what options do we have? To live in a cold home? to live with that tension?
Please please help me. Advice? Anything….
A life story by Xoxolovestrung, AT Babycenter community
You may consider visiting the forum to share your true-life experience and many other mothers in the family would be willing to advise you on what best to do. You can also visit to see other stepparents’ stories and how others shared their thoughts in comments.
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How to tell if your stepchild hates you
You have been at your best with your blended family, yet it seems the love is not mutual between you and your stepchildren. Trying to decipher what their problem is or it is just natural hate on you – you aren’t getting any useful tips, which kept breaking you the more. If it was just normal hate on step-parents, you might likely want to move on with life and distance yourself from stepchildren for a while. But first, how to tell if your stepchild hates you? Here are our opinions:
- If your stepchild is so manipulative and adamant, then they probably hate you.
- If your stepchild disrespects your authority at home and never feels remorseful when corrected, then they probably hate you.
- If your stepchild tries to make your spouse choose 1 between you both, it is a sign that they don’t want the tiles and probably hate seeing you around.
- If your stepchild exhibits signs of jealousy, it is normal, but when it goes beyond extreme, it means they may be seeking a space in your partner’s life that they can never assume; hence they hate you.
- If your stepchild gossips about you with your spouse ex (their biological parent), then it’s a signal that they’re plotting a coup against you and hence hate you to the core.
When your stepchild hates you and does everything possible to steal your partner’s heart, Find your way to blend your home and fix things, else start considering when to leave because of stepchild.
Things a step-parent should never do
Often, most stepparents go beyond their bounds seeking peace, yet such peace never comes in most cases. It only creates a high hope of expectation and leaves the stepparent broken in the end. As a stepparent, here are 6 mistakes you MUST do your best to avoid:
- Never pick favorites among your kids and stepchildren: You should do your best to avoid picking sides when stepchildren have a fallout with your kids. Instead, do your best to show them that you love them all equally and correct them in love as a real mom would. Most of the time, Sibling rivalry may come in, and they might start feeling the urge to compete with your stepchildren for attention and dominance. Do not fall for this trap else; you would be making way for unending hate – not just to you but also to your children.
- Never try too hard to please your stepchild: One of the reasons stepparents feel the guilt of losing their self-esteem maybe because they always try too hard to please their stepchild. Mostly they do this hoping it would bring peace to the home, which may be true only on a scale of 3/10. This is luck that you are trying to gamble to the detriment of your self-worth. Be a good stepparent to your stepchildren and allow them to adapt at their own pace. Often, they adapt faster; other times, it may take years for them to blend along.
- Never overstep your boundaries: Your stepchild might start building up resentment if you exceed your boundaries. Disciplining a stepchild is ok, but never make it look too hard. Consider involving the biological parents where core discipline is required and don’t make it obvious that you are playing the “reporting game.” With time, you should gain their trust, love, and respect.
- Never impose authoritative rules: When you think that making some rules is important, do share them with your spouse and, if possible, share with their ex and make them see reasons why this rule needs to be set. Once they do, they would rightly know how to communicate with your stepchildren in tones they would understand and fit in with your demand. Your stepchildren feel respected when you don’t impose authoritative rules without mutual understanding with them.
- Never interfere with the family structure: Before you get along with a blended family, make sure you understand their family structure and always respect that. Do not try to divide a family because they are divorced – Most divorced partners are co-parenting to bring up their kids in their nature. When you find yourself in such a family, join them instead of trying to break them as this will help you win the love of your step-child very faster than you taught.
- Never avoid communication: Communication is the heartbeat of every relation and union, never play the too mean person or avoid communication. It is best to always keep mutual communication with your spouse, the stepchild(ren), and their ex while respecting their opinion and privacy. They will all blend along with time, and all would highly love you.
- Do not ever make your expectation too high: We know that you probably have been told by your spouse that their child will love to have you as their stepmom. Yes, your partner gave you all sorts of assurance and hope while playing so hard to win you over. It is normal, but you don’t have to make your expectations so high as exaggerated. Most times, it never happens that way, and you have to give your stepchildren some time to learn more about you and try to blend with the new family settings. Never impose your expectations on your stepchildren, and always allow love to grow naturally.
Wrapping up on When To Leave Because Of Stepchild
Building a healthy relationship with your stepchild isn’t as easy as you were told. Even with greater mutual understanding, it usually takes between one and two years for a new stepfamily to get used to each other and blend fully as one. In most cases, it takes even more years for such a blend to take effect. Family dynamics are different, and relationships can be difficult to maintain; When one or both of you have children from previous relationships, it often doesn’t work out. Yet many still do and make it work – it only takes some time.
Before exchanging marital vows with a partner who already has some children with an ex, try to talk with the ex and the children to get their opinion. Do not just rely fully on the things your would-be husband told you and act upon them.
The way you approach these kids before marriage helps you win their hearts and love faster in a blended family. Try to get a certain percentage of approval before marriage; at least let their opinion count in the process.
Do read the following books from experts as recommended during or before marriage; they will help you plan easy life with a blended family:
- “Surviving The Breakup: How Children And Parents Cope With Divorce,” with Joan B. Kelly,
- “What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce,” with Sandra Blakeslee
- “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” with Sandra Blakeslee
- “Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children, A Decade After Divorce,” with Sandra Blakeslee
- “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study,” with Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee
- “Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce” by Elizabeth Marquardt
Medical Disclaimer: All content and media on Healthweakness.com are created and published on the web for informational purposes only. It is never intended to substitute for professional medical advice and should not be relied on as health or personal advice. Always consult a professional healthcare specialist before taking any actions that probably concern your health.
Verifiable References- Stepfamily Statistics, How the children become after divorce, and how it affects new homes, by stepfamily.org[↩]
- Research by Judith S. Wallerstein where she performed 25 years landmark study of 93 children of divorce, but now-adults to examine the effects of divorce on them and how it also affects the parents[↩]
- From the book, “Between Two Worlds” authored by Elizabeth Marquardt – A study with Professor Norval Glenn where They surveyed over 1,500 young adults from both divorced and intact families between 2001 and 2003[↩]
- A life story by a member of Babycenter community nicknamed: Xoxolovestrung with the TITLE: “Leaving a marriage because of step child but not because of the marriage.” DATED: 9/9/2014[↩]
